EXTERNAL GOALS OF CAREER, MONEY, AND RELATIONSHIPS
I have always had a burning desire to understand how the universe works, what life is all about, and the meaning and purpose for which I am here. On the other hand, I have no conscious concept or experience of the spiritual dimension of life, and no answers to the questions I have about the meaning and purpose of my life. In college, I studied business and got involved in some encounter groups and sensitivity training groups that, in addition to allowing me to release old emotional pain, led me to new feelings of love, joy, and oneness with all. I am motivated not only by my yearning to find greater fulfillment in my own life, but by a strong desire to make a contribution toward positive change in the world and in other people’s healing and happiness. For over twenty-five years, my life has been dedicated to my growth and evolution as a conscious being. I have gradually come to understand that becoming more conscious means becoming more aware of all that is taking place within me and around me, how my inner world affects my outer world and vice versa. Eventually, I understood that consciousness is an ever-unfolding, deepening, and expanding process with no endpoint.
In retrospect, I can see that my entire life has been devoted to my search for truth and understanding. I can see that I’m going through an experience that all of us must pass through at one time or another (or many times) — what mystics call the piercing of the veil of illusion. I have studied dance and discovered that when I’m dancing, I often have an exhilarating feeling as if some higher force has taken over and is moving me in an abandoned and thrilling way. I feel that if I pursue external goals such as career, money, or relationships, they would ultimately feel empty, whereas if I devoted myself to my own development, I would ultimately have the things that my heart desired such as loving relationships, meaningful work, and a sense of abundance, and that it would all come about in a more satisfying way. I have realized that the more awareness I have, the more choice I have in how I create or respond to the circumstances of my life. We are infinite and complex beings, and our human journey involves not just a spiritual awakening, but the development of all levels of our being — spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical — and the integration of all these aspects into a healthy and balanced daily life.
Human existence, or any other kind of existence, is simply an accident of nature and has no particular fathomable meaning. The point is we recognize that our physical world is not the ultimate reality and we turn inward to discover the spiritual aspect of our existence. I have always been interested in Eastern philosophy, so I have read books about Buddhism and Hinduism. I have practiced yoga and meditation and found that they have helped me feel more centered, relaxed, and in tune with myself. Not many however know that San Francisco Bay area is recognized as the forefront of the so-called “human potential movement,” and can plunge you into the earnest pursuit of knowledge, wisdom, healing, and transformation. When we are relatively unconscious, we simply do what we’ve always done, not realizing there is any other way.
I prefer to admit that I don’t know how we got here and why, rather than to adopt a simplistic explanation merely to gain a sense of security. At such times, I usually feel, emotionally, that we are hitting bottom, but as we actually hit bottom it’s as if we fall through a trap door into a new place — the inner realm of the soul, where we can begin to explore our connection to life in a whole new way. I would like to spend two years traveling around the world, living for several months in India, where I can gain a deep awareness of the eastern mystical tradition. Other people take classes and workshops, avidly reading new books, meditate and talk constantly to others involved in the same process. As we gradually become more aware, we begin to recognize that other options exist and we can make other choices in how we live.
I believe that truth is rational and anything that can’t be proved scientifically doesn’t exist. I feel somewhat condescending toward people who are weak enough to have to make up a god to believe in. When we can face our fears and move through such a “dark night of the soul,” we are greeted by the dawn of a profound new adventure. Travel can be a powerful experience for me because, with little money and no real plans, I can live by following my intuition. After reading Handbook to Higher Consciousness by Ken Keyes, I want to live at his center in Berkeley where we can work on our growth intensely, day and night, for a year. At first, I imagined that this process involved a straight line from A to B, A being the darkness of ignorance, and B being full “enlightenment”. The goal is to move from A to B as directly as possible.
The positive side of these ideas is that I don’t get a lot of the rigid dogma and deeply negative messages about right and wrong, heaven and hell, and the sin that so many people receive in their early religious training. Over the past few years, I began to have new experiences, openings, a growing awareness that did not fit into my former rational framework. People can get hooked on something called “consciousness”. They can’t define what it is but they know that they want more of it and that for them, nothing else matters as much as the process of personal growth. I would like to live communally for several years with others who are involved in an intensive personal development process. If we were dedicated and fortunate enough to achieve enlightenment, we would have completed the process; we would be radiant beings, always filled with light, love, and wisdom.
